Leaving…

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to write to explain, in case anyone is interested, that I’ve left Twitter. This may not be permanent, but it isn’t good for my mental health just now.

I wanted to find all the friends that you all did in the autistic community, but I didn’t. All I found is that I don’t fit in here either.

I’m not cool. I’m not even nerdy cool. I don’t have any cool special interests. (I’ve been really struggling with burn out for a good few years, so I don’t really have any special interests at present because nothing really engages me.) Even when I had special interests, they weren’t cool ones, they were boring ones. I liked sustainable building, playing the clarinet and mountain climbing. Not a particularly inspiring set of interests, and certainly nothing that anyone else wanted to hear about.

I’ve also been really struggling with nothing I do or say being right. I work in the construction industry and, as a woman(ish) person in that industry, a LOT of what I say/do gets questioned and denied on a daily basis. It is tiring and demoralising, but I choose to continue because I love the actual content of my job and my work colleagues (who are excellent).

Recently, actually for a little while now, I have found that my every Twitter comment (apart from my dog pics) has been met with a similar denial. I cannot seem to post anything, no matter how I qualify it as my own personal experience, without similar denials. Given this is my experience on a daily basis, I find my tolerance for it on Twitter has worn thin, leading to shorter and shorter replies from myself.

I could probably have cultivated my contacts to deal with it, but I am not very good at judging who is a positive influence and who is not. So here I am, in true autistic style, throwing the (possible) baby out with the bath water.

Ultimately, I am lonely, and I have been for a while now. I do want friends, but I’m not sure how to go about getting them. There were people on Twitter (and on here) who I wanted to get to know better, but I don’t know how to start that.

And lastly, I feel like I need to apologise. I’m sorry for being short and impatient.

That is all.

One thought on “Leaving…

  1. Hi Beth

    I saw your latest post about leaving Twitter. It’s a shame you didn’t get what you want form it.

    I’m not surprised though. I’ve explored various types of social media and never found anything that offers the social engagement that I’d like to have. I use it to share my thoughts on mental wellbeing through a company I set up called Evenhood. But, like you, I’ve never developed close, conversational correspondents as a result.

    I tried sending you one of my Evenhood Cards – but I’m unable to attach to this reply. There’s a link below to a YouTube video I’ve made. I give a lot of talks about mental health and resilience. In the current coronavirus pandemic I’ve had to stop those; so I’ve gone onto YouTube instead. I hope you find the video interesting.

    My Evenhood Cards are designed to help people kick start conversations about mental wellbeing.

    I’ve enjoyed reading your musings over time. I’ve never sought a diagnosis around whether I’m autistic or not. In my 50th year I probably never will. I know I live on an island, as it were, and find social contact awkward.

    I do relate to the way you describe yourself in your posts and I’ve enjoyed reading them over time. Your thoughts are very relatable.

    I’ll happily correspond if you’d like to.

    One condition – my mindset tends to push me into guilt if I don’t reply to messages (emails or texts) promptly. This doesn’t end well; as correspondence done that way becomes like a game of tennis. So – if you’d like to correspond I’ll commit to leaving a two week pause before replying. That tends to be more manageable.

    I hope you like the Evenhood Cards. There’s one for you and one to send back if you like.

    Wishing you all the v best.

    Jonathan

    Liked by 2 people

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