I can’t believe it’s been over a year since I last blogged. (Tries not to apologise…)
It’s been a strange year, full of frustrations and disappointments. I don’t remember a lot of it. I don’t remember a lot these days – but that is a story for another time.
I’m taking a break from work at the moment – a sort of sabbatical, if you will. I wanted to step back and get some clarity on my life to decide if my job is what I want to keep spending most of my energy on. I’m about a week into my break and it’s not turning out quite as I expected…
I don’t feel more relaxed, yet. I am waiting for the excitement of the break to hit me, but it hasn’t yet. I’m just spending a lot of time feeling guilty for how I am spending my time – reading, watching TV, gardening – and not really enjoying any of it.
I miss work. I feel rudderless without it. I find I spend a lot of time hiding from this feeling, drowning myself in the lives of others to avoid the fact that my life seems a little bit pointless.
I feel apart from the world, missing passage of time and seasons. Every day is the same, and is meaningless.
I am afraid to look closely on the things that used to give my life meaning – namely Christianity – because I don’t know how that interweaves with my (stilll relatively) new disabled existence. I know this is possible, but I feel it will take a lot of deconstructing of my faith in order that I can reconcile it with my new reality. That sounds like a lot of effort that I am not sure I am ready for.
All that said, I am not going to rush back to work. I am looking forward to seeing how my feelings and thoughts develop over this period of reflection. I am sure they will… I hope they will…