Here’s to hoping.

It is true what everyone says, diagnosis is just the beginning of the journey. I ran head first into the ‘THIS-IS-AMAZING-this-will-solve-all-my-problems’ camp but now the party there has died.

My current state is a bit hard to define. I guess it would be disappointment, with a good dosing of anger and frustration that people haven’t acted the way I hoped they would. And grief. That may sound odd, but being diagnosed with autism has been the death of the dream that life would eventually ‘click’ for me and it would become easy for me to fit in. It was a dream that I would grow out of the meltdowns, that I would come to enjoy large social gatherings, that depression would up and leave for good, essentially that I would become someone else. But I learn I am stuck with me.

I am hoping the next stage on my diagnosis journey is a real acceptance of my weaknesses and a better appreciation of my strengths. I really want to be able to make mistakes and forgive myself for them. I hope this is possible.

5 thoughts on “Here’s to hoping.

  1. Hear hear. I’m still at the honeymoon stage with my diagnosis, but I guess accepting is the next logical step. Well. After that I guess I might give into the “our differences are great and make us uniquely great” and then … the conclusion of most of my rational and unconscious travels… “I guess a bit of all that with some balance is to be taken for long term”.
    It’s hard to grieve. Mental force flow to you, in case those can be real and would help.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks for your support. One thing I will always be glad about from my diagnosis is that now I know that there ARE other people around who totally understand my frustrations and struggles.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m almost 4 months into post-diagnosis and I think I’m still in my honeymoon stage, too, but I think I was so desperate for an answer to my struggles that (I’m hoping) my diagnosis will continue to serve me, hopefully aiding in my relief and self-compassion, and hopefully, patience with myself. That being said, I hear you. I understand where you’re coming from. One of my biggest struggles has been my physical and neurological clumsiness. My lack of coordination is a thorn in my side, and now I know it’s not going to go away. Neither will any of my other “quirks” or needs of support. On some days, I feel strong enough to shrug and say, “that’s life”, but on other days, it can really get to me ❤

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    1. I certainly understand your struggle with coordination. That has certainly been a source of great embarrassment for me (to the amusement of others). I am learning to try to be kind to myself when remembering mistakes from the past. I am trying to give myself more of the benefit of the doubt when it really was an honest mistake caused by various autistic traits. But it is hard, especially when other people don’t make the same adjustments.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I can relate to that, too. :). Other people seem to form these impressions of us, and then they stubbornly cling to them, even after being presented with new/updated information. It’s frustrating! Especially when we’ve been searching for years to find the reason behind our “quirks” and we develop theories and when we stumble across the Asperger’s/autism explanation, some of those people act like “oh, there s/he goes again, making excuses” as if we’re just making excuses or we’re hypochondriac or something. :(. But I’m so relieved that we all have each other. Even if it’s “just” an online-based community, I feel a ton of love, support, and acceptance that really makes a huge difference in my life, and I hope you derive a similar benefit ❤

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